Ask a Fab Gay Man

Dear FGM,

You are truly fabulous. Your oral sex tips were hilarious! So I thought you might be able to help me out. I'm a cute twenty-something independent woman with my own place, car and a great career. I'm single with no kids and am looking for a good man. Recently, I met a man who is freaking perfect for me - he's a professional, he's smart, he's funny, plus he's tall and cute as hell. We had this instant connection and I'm really liking him. The problem is he's married! I'm so confused! Everything is telling me to leave him alone but he makes me feel so good and I just want to be around him all the time. Nothing's happened yet, we've only been to lunch a couple of times and we chat by email and text. I know if it continues the way it's been going... Well let's just say I was wondering how to date a married man and keep my sanity. Am I kidding myself to think that I have a chance with him? Help!

Monique from Maryland

Darling 'Nique 'Nique,

Thanks for writing. You've come to the right place. Unfortunately, many gay men (myself included) are all too familiar with the perils of dating married men. The first thing I would tell any woman who is attracted to a married man is DO NOT F*CK HIM.

Okay, so now that you've f*cked him (lol) here are some tips for dating a completely unavailable man:

Classify Yourself

Generally, there are two types of women who date married men, we'll call one Dumb B*tch and the other Dat B*tch. Dumb B becomes a clingy, obsessive stalker after convincing herself that this man will divorce his wife and they will live happily ever after. On the other hand, Dat B couldn't care less whether he ever breaks up with his wife, after all she has other men on speed dial and an icebox where her heart used to be. Now, Monique, look within my love: Which B do you feel best describes you? I can tell you that the younger you are, the more likely you are to fall into the stalker category. Your letter gives me the impression that you are envisioning a future with this man. If this is true, you must snap out of it! As perfect as he seems, pursuing this relationship will only lead to two things for a delicate flower like you: hurt and regret.

Now, for those of us who fit squarely in the Dat B category, the rules of the game are a little different. Here are some tips to remain the classy lady that you are, even in the midst of a little indiscretion:

Consider Him Mr. Right Now

Dumb B's convince themselves that their married man is Mr. Right. They couldn't be more wrong. Always consider a married man to be Mr. Right Now. Nothing more, nothing less. Keep your distance and your icebox on freeze. Enjoy it for what it is, but keep your options open. Date other people. After all, he's not leaving his wife. I repeat. He's not leaving his wife (and if you're a gay man, this goes double for you). I don't care how unhappy he says he is, or how many times he's threatened to leave her for you. Banking on his divorce is a surefire way to get your feelings hurt. Like Oprah says, why would he leave his wife, when he can have you both?

Fall Back

Don't find reasons to drive by his house. Don't google search his wife. Don't blow up his cellphone and email. As a matter of fact, do your best not to contact him at all. Not only are you more likely to avoid a messy confrontation this way, but you can more easily keep yourself from falling for this guy. He's not focusing all of his time and energy on you, so don't you dare do that for him. Act as unavailable as he is. And don't ask questions about his marriage. That's for them to figure out. Remain alluringly aloof.

Keep the Upper Hand

Don't swallow. I'm serious! This tells a man that he has you, and a married man simply isn't worthy. Make sure that you are receiving more than you're giving, in every aspect of the relationship. And do not let him punk you. If he says he's going to be at your house in a hour, and then shows up three hours later or not at all, make it plain that you will not stand for the bullsh*t. Married men are full of excuses, but he must learn that your time is just as important as his. Disrespect should not be tolerated.

End it Before it Gets Ugly

If you feel yourself falling for him, or him for you, put an end to things. This is no way to begin a relationship. And if the wife finds out, concede him gracefully and exit the situation with whatever shred of dignity you have left. You are in the wrong. Remember, the wife always, always wins. At most, you're second best, which is severely unfabulous. And only Dumb B's make a habit out of dating married men. After all, karma is real.

Well, Monique, good luck to you! I hope that any of my pickled plums who find themselves in such a precarious situation will heed my words, be safe and above all, be careful with your heart! And to my married munchkins, if this column offended your sensibilities in any way, my sincerest apologies, but as the FGM I must speak the truth to my public!

And remember, I'm here for you! Hit my girl, Elle, on the email with all those dilemmas that only a gay man could solve.

Love you all to bits and pieces,

FGM