Ask a Fab Gay Man

I have a question for the Fab Gay Man! My boyfriend and I have been together almost four months. Everything is going great...we work in the same industry, he's totally my type (well groomed, schnazzy dresser) and he's great in bed. So anyway, his best friend Scott* is gay and whenever he's around I feel like the redheaded stepchild with a stutter. They have all these private jokes and hang out ALL the time. Pretty much when he's not with me, he's with Scott. And then when they're not together, they're texting or talking on the phone. I get that they're super close but how do I know if it's developed into something more than just a friendship? I have a feeling that Scott is just waiting for the right opportunity to move in on my man! Recently they planned a "guys trip" to Miami and I am trippin! So my question is, can straight and gay males be friends without it escalating? And how can I keep this guy from moving in on my man?

-Odd Girl Out


Hey gurr! FGM here! And good gravy-colored Gucci, it's been forever since my last post. I blame Elle, all of a sudden she's too high post to sit down for a chit chat with lil ol' me. I keed! Elle and I are tight as ever, and busy as ever too! So anyways, thanks so much for your question, crumbbun...it's a good one!

You see my pet, I am of the opinion that gay men and straight men cannot, I repeat, cannot remain "just friends," not in this day and age. Let's face it: being gay has become kinda trendy, people are a lot more open, and many men are much more curious than even they'd like to believe. And what you really must know is at the end of the day, gay or straight, men are pigs, and if they can, they are going to try.

This leads us to your boo's upcoming "Brokeback Boy's Trip" to the sandy beaches of Miami. Hot shirtless days, hotter drunken nights, honey, he's as good as gone! The best excuse for a gay guy to try something with a straight guy is, "I was drunk." That's a classic. And honestly, if you're that worried I say let the guy go, cut your losses and be done with him. You do not want to put yourself at risk dealing with some confused and closeted man.

But and however, my darling deviled egg, I hate to be a total Debbie Downer. If you think your boyfriend's no no hole is still virginal and this relationship is worth saving, there are some ways to beat Scotty at his own game. Normally, I always suggest communication first and foremost in terms of relationship issues but this is one instance in which talking to your partner is not likely to help. Denial is more than a river in Egypt, my love. So, you're going to have to get sneaky to get to the bottom of this. Here are some suggestions:

1. Desperate is as Desperate Does - Book yourself a ticket to South Beach. There's no way I'm letting my man to go down south (ahem) just to be seduced by Scotty. Not without a fight. Bring your girls and get your party on...and you don't even have to follow him around like a lost puppy. The thought of you being in the same city may just be the deterrent he needs.

2. Play Pink Panther - Become your own private dick! (giggle) Sweetpeach, it's time to gather intel about who, what and how he doin. Offer to clean his room/house. This is a fabulously legit way to go through all of his sh*t, including old photos (did he have a blond pixie a la Sisqo at one time?), cards and letters (was his high school pen pal a lil suspect), and the all-important credit card statements. Those babies offer a world of information as to his whereabouts and with-whos. Can't get your hands on a statement? Customer service agents can be great allies, if you act "blond" enough, they will tell you any and everything. Basically, have him on permanent crooked eye until you are absolutely sure he's yours and only yours.

3. Gain a GBFF - Set your sights on Scott. Invite him to brunch (gay guys love brunch). Have some champagne mimosas and ask him a bunch of questions about himself. See how much he's willing to share. Don't swoop down on him right away, the process may take more than a few brunches, but if you gain his trust, eventually you'll be able to get the information you need. Is your boyfriend his type? Does he act like a schoolgirl when he talks about him? Or is he altogether harmless? Only time and good conversation will tell.

So, dollface, despite the fact that there's a good chance your man is on Scotty's to do list, there are some ways to take charge of the situation and get the answers you need. It's all about making the most informed decision you can, but that doesn't mean you should wait to catch them in bed. Trust your instincts, gumdrop! And don't ever be afraid to let a man go, there's always something better right around the corner!

So sugarplums, if you have some advice for Miss OGO, holla back in the comments. And by all means, drop a line here if you have a question that only the FGM can answer. You can check out my previous columns, here! Love you mean it!

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Ask a Fab Gay Man

Dear FGM,

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I really really need your help! I'm 17 and I'm a senior at my high school. I'm going to college in August and I'm very excited to leave home and make new friends and meet new boys! But first I think I need to make some serious changes. The thing is, I would describe myself as majorly unfabulous. I kind of just wake up, throw on whatever is clean, put my hair in a ponytail and go. I don't know the first thing about makeup or any of that. But I want to learn! I feel like I just kind of blend in with the crowd and I don't want to be wallflower forever. My mom is not in my life and so I'm confused about how to start, where to look, and what will work the best. I really want to step on campus feeling confident, hot and most of all, fabulous! Any help would be great! Thanks!

Janelle

Nelly-boo,

Thank you for your letter! This one is close to my heart. Contrary to popular belief, FGM wasn't born fabulous. I, too, had to work at becoming my glamorous self. So no worries hun, with a little help and a lot of practice, you can look absolutely glorious walking onto that college campus.

Before we begin, please know that you don't have to have it all together by August. After all, Rome wasn't built in a day. Your college years are actually the perfect time for cultivating your fabulosity. You'll meet new people, you'll learn new things and you'll grow as a person, all of which will provide you with plenty of style inspiration. In the meantime, follow these tips for finding your fabness:

Love Thyself

If I know anything, it's that fabulousness begins within. It's all about loving who you are, exactly as you are. Easier said than done, but just as you can learn calculus, you can also learn unconditional self-love. Take it day by day. Rather than focusing on your flaws, focus on what's great about you. Do positive affirmations. Start everyday by saying:

I am my own unique self. I'm creative, beautiful and fabulous.

Everyday, I become a more confident and wonderful Janelle.

I love who I am becoming!

Be thankful for all the fabulous aspects of your life. In no time, you'll begin to exude the confidence that is the beauty secret to fabulous women everywhere.

Educate Thyself

Spend some time in the fashion/beauty/style section of your local Barnes and Noble. There are some wonderful titles out there that can give you a great education on clothes, hair and makeup. I could recommend my favorites, but when developing your personal style, I think it's important to pick books that speaks to you directly. Trust me, something will tell you that you've found the book. When this happens, buy it! (Or plant yourself down with a grande skim latte and read it cover to cover!)

Style Thyself

A great way to develop your personal style is to flip through fashion magazines and rip out the looks that you love. You can then start your very own personal style file. What's that you ask? It's a binder or notebook filled with your favorite editorial looks, whether they be pictures of a great dress, a fab hairstyle or just pure fierceness from head to toe. Perusing the pages of your style file before a shopping trip can be wonderfully inspiring. You can then aim to duplicate these looks. Target, Forever 21 and H&M have great designer duplicates for a fraction of the price. You can also bring hair and makeup pictures from your style file to a makeup counter or hairstylist and ask them to duplicate them. It's all about trying things out and taking risks. How else will you know what works for you?

Before we go on, I hate to get all Carson Kressley on you but I'm going to need you take a look in your underwear drawer. Is it full of sports bras and white cotton knickers a la Bridget Jones? If so, start your style evolution here. Treat yourself to some pretty underwear. And no, this is not about "boys." This is about you. Something about wearing beautiful underthings makes the wearer feel that much more confident and beautiful. I'm not talking lacey stringy thongs with glitter. Try comfy cotton boy shorts in a bright color, they are sure to make you feel like the pretty young thing you are.

Groom Thyself

I know it's easy to get into a ponytail rut. Get rid of this bad habit by banishing your pony at least once a week. Play with headbands or hairclips if you don't like your hair in your face. Pretty soon, you'll get used to messing with your tresses, and it will become second nature. It is a good idea to have your hair professional cut and styled at least bi-monthly. This will give you an idea of how to work your hair to its full potential. And don't forget to keep your hair looking fab-worthy by wrapping it up or putting on a silk bonnet at night.

Eyebrows, eyebrows, eyebrows. Eyebrows. Understand? Brow grooming is mayjah; it's like an instant face lift. A good waxing or threading can completely change your face, and I dare say your life! Make an appointment immediately (at a local spa, nail or hair salon)...and go every two weeks thereafter.
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As for makeup, a fresh-faced teen like yourself shouldn't need much. I would stick with the trinity: mascara, blush and lip gloss. Make an appointment at a MAC counter and tell them you want a natural, everyday look. Don't feel obligated to buy anything (unless you'd like to), you're just getting a tutorial on what colors look best on your skin. You can then take what you've learned, go to your local CVS and pick up similar shades for less.
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My love, this is just the very tip of the iceberg; Fabulosity 101 if you will. Higher level courses include Walking in Heels (practice, practice, practice!), Keeping Fit (put the taco down), and Accessories are Everything (jewelry, shoes and bags, oh my!). But for your purposes, it's all about taking the necessary baby steps. Be patient with yourself and you'll be a fab chick before you know it! Good luck, buttercup, and do let me know how it turns out.

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To all the delovely inawordfab readers out there, feel free to leave a comment if you have some advice for my sweetums, Janelle! And if you have a dilemma only a gay man could solve, hit up the diva, Elle, with your questions and I'll be sure to get right back.

You can check out my past posts, below...

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Is my man gay?

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Oral Sex 101

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Dating a Married Man

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Cheers!

-FGM

Ask a Fab Gay Man

Dear FGM,

You are truly fabulous. Your oral sex tips were hilarious! So I thought you might be able to help me out. I'm a cute twenty-something independent woman with my own place, car and a great career. I'm single with no kids and am looking for a good man. Recently, I met a man who is freaking perfect for me - he's a professional, he's smart, he's funny, plus he's tall and cute as hell. We had this instant connection and I'm really liking him. The problem is he's married! I'm so confused! Everything is telling me to leave him alone but he makes me feel so good and I just want to be around him all the time. Nothing's happened yet, we've only been to lunch a couple of times and we chat by email and text. I know if it continues the way it's been going... Well let's just say I was wondering how to date a married man and keep my sanity. Am I kidding myself to think that I have a chance with him? Help!

Monique from Maryland

Darling 'Nique 'Nique,

Thanks for writing. You've come to the right place. Unfortunately, many gay men (myself included) are all too familiar with the perils of dating married men. The first thing I would tell any woman who is attracted to a married man is DO NOT F*CK HIM.

Okay, so now that you've f*cked him (lol) here are some tips for dating a completely unavailable man:

Classify Yourself

Generally, there are two types of women who date married men, we'll call one Dumb B*tch and the other Dat B*tch. Dumb B becomes a clingy, obsessive stalker after convincing herself that this man will divorce his wife and they will live happily ever after. On the other hand, Dat B couldn't care less whether he ever breaks up with his wife, after all she has other men on speed dial and an icebox where her heart used to be. Now, Monique, look within my love: Which B do you feel best describes you? I can tell you that the younger you are, the more likely you are to fall into the stalker category. Your letter gives me the impression that you are envisioning a future with this man. If this is true, you must snap out of it! As perfect as he seems, pursuing this relationship will only lead to two things for a delicate flower like you: hurt and regret.

Now, for those of us who fit squarely in the Dat B category, the rules of the game are a little different. Here are some tips to remain the classy lady that you are, even in the midst of a little indiscretion:

Consider Him Mr. Right Now

Dumb B's convince themselves that their married man is Mr. Right. They couldn't be more wrong. Always consider a married man to be Mr. Right Now. Nothing more, nothing less. Keep your distance and your icebox on freeze. Enjoy it for what it is, but keep your options open. Date other people. After all, he's not leaving his wife. I repeat. He's not leaving his wife (and if you're a gay man, this goes double for you). I don't care how unhappy he says he is, or how many times he's threatened to leave her for you. Banking on his divorce is a surefire way to get your feelings hurt. Like Oprah says, why would he leave his wife, when he can have you both?

Fall Back

Don't find reasons to drive by his house. Don't google search his wife. Don't blow up his cellphone and email. As a matter of fact, do your best not to contact him at all. Not only are you more likely to avoid a messy confrontation this way, but you can more easily keep yourself from falling for this guy. He's not focusing all of his time and energy on you, so don't you dare do that for him. Act as unavailable as he is. And don't ask questions about his marriage. That's for them to figure out. Remain alluringly aloof.

Keep the Upper Hand

Don't swallow. I'm serious! This tells a man that he has you, and a married man simply isn't worthy. Make sure that you are receiving more than you're giving, in every aspect of the relationship. And do not let him punk you. If he says he's going to be at your house in a hour, and then shows up three hours later or not at all, make it plain that you will not stand for the bullsh*t. Married men are full of excuses, but he must learn that your time is just as important as his. Disrespect should not be tolerated.

End it Before it Gets Ugly

If you feel yourself falling for him, or him for you, put an end to things. This is no way to begin a relationship. And if the wife finds out, concede him gracefully and exit the situation with whatever shred of dignity you have left. You are in the wrong. Remember, the wife always, always wins. At most, you're second best, which is severely unfabulous. And only Dumb B's make a habit out of dating married men. After all, karma is real.

Well, Monique, good luck to you! I hope that any of my pickled plums who find themselves in such a precarious situation will heed my words, be safe and above all, be careful with your heart! And to my married munchkins, if this column offended your sensibilities in any way, my sincerest apologies, but as the FGM I must speak the truth to my public!

And remember, I'm here for you! Hit my girl, Elle, on the email with all those dilemmas that only a gay man could solve.

Love you all to bits and pieces,

FGM

Ask a Fab Gay Man

Dear FGM,

Loved your last column! I really need your help. My boyfriend and I are in a great relationship and we have pretty good sex, but I don't think I'm pleasing him when it comes to the oral. I guess I've never really been confident in this area. Like I feel awkward and I usually end up just giving up after a few minutes. I'm getting worried because at first he asked me to do it a lot, but now he's stopped asking altogether. I really want to loosen up and blow his mind! I figure a gay man is pretty much an expert at this, can you give me some tips?

Thanks,

Feeling Like a Prude

Missy Poo,

Thanks for your email! No worries, love, you have indeed come to the right place. It's true, ladies, gay men are undeniably the experts at giving the goods. After all, when you're working with a piece of anatomy that you're already intimately familiar with, there's an automatic comfort level and a spectacular knowledge of all the hot spots. But don't fret, puddin' pops, this is a skill that can be learned and perfected by anyone willing to try, including you, Miss Prude! Just follow a few of my favorite pleasure principles:

Channel Your Inner Sexpot

Just like with fashion, attitude is everything! If you're going down to China town looking scary, nervous and unsure, it is damn near impossible for your man to relax, relate and release. His dink is sure to shrink! Really, dolls, how can he enjoy it if you don't? The best way to go in with the right attitude is to make sure you're nice and hot first. When you're already revved up and in the mood for love, pleasing him will feel less like a chore and more like a fabulous stop on the way to Love-land.

Scratch and Sniff

The dangleberries need love too! I know it's very easy to leave them hanging (lol! i kill myself), but for a truly mind blowing BJ, it is so very important to involve the DB's. This can be as simple as lightly grazing them with your fingertips as you begin. Plus, this serves a dual purpose. First, we're trying to get him as rigid as possible from the start (see He's a Big Softie). And two, you can engage in the all-important "scratch and sniff." Nothing kills the mood faster than a sack that's hours past its expiration date. So, absolutely get a quick discrete whiff and if its all bad, just tell him that you suddenly need to wash your hair. Believe me, straight men do this all the time! That's what's called the "dip and sniff." Don't say FGM never taught you anything.

He's a Big Softie

This is a situation that we must strive to avoid. It is so unsexy, unsavory and unsatisfying to be greeted with a wet noodle. So before putting your mouth on his member, make sure that all systems are a go! Kiss and pet him all over. Nibble on the inside of his thigh. A great place to begin is the happy trail right behind his ear and down to the shoulder blade. Talk about springing to life!

Be a Toothless Wonder

So now you've got your man exactly where you want him and in your zeal to go for the gusto, you accidentally ding his ding ding with your toofus, doofus! He has now gone from 6o to 0 in seconds flat. I can tell you from experience that once this sort of thing happens, it's like someone has suddenly stepped on the brakes. The giver now has to take it all the way from the top. I can just hear you all saying, "Oh hell no!" Well then, avoid this altogether by being the ultimate toothless wonder. Keep that jaw unhinged and by all means, slow down! Practice makes perfect here.

Tongue Technique

Mkay, now we're getting to the good stuff. Make sure your mouth is niiiice and wet. Start slow and steady. Find your rhythm. Drive him crazy by concentrating on the tip with first your tongue, then your whole mouth. Pull down the shaft with your hand as you work, a little pressure is good. Take it as deep as you're comfortable with. Don't act as if you have a plane to catch. Let the build up begin. If you're unsure if you're hitting the spot, don't be afraid to ask him if he likes it and how he wants it. Communication is good.

Time for Arrival

Is he ready to burst? Get him all the way there by quickening the pace and focusing your tongue on the underside of his member, never losing contact! The sweet spot is the on the underside, right below the head. Just git dat git dat git dat and you're golden!

Well, Miss Prude, I hope I've given you enough information to get you on the road to oral ecstacy. Do let me know how it goes. And darling readers, I'd love to read your comments, feel free to share your tricks of the trade! Sharing is caring. And hit my girl, Elle, on the email with your questions!

Happy sexing ya'll!

FGM

Ask a Fab Gay Man

Elle,

I looooove the site. This question is for the Fab Gay Man. Are there any surefire ways to tell if the guy I'm dating is gay? I tend to go for pretty boys and its getting harder and harder to tell. Thanks a bunch and stay fab!

Chelsea


Chels,

FGM here, at your service! Great question dollface. I swear if I knew the absolute, no doubt, surefire way to detect a gay man in straight clothing, I would bottle it and sell it. Unfortch, as a rule, there is no rule. Any man you date could be a potential switch-hitter. But don't fret my pet, there are some general questions that can clue you in.


1. Does he wax?

Many a straight man engages in strategic hair removal. However, if your man's eyebrows resemble Terry McMillan's ex, Jonathan's, you know, thinned and angled, let this be a warning to you.


2. Are his S's poppin?

If your man's esssses are sssizzlin like a hot skillet, then sssufferin sssuccotash, honey, he may just be a gay man.


3. Does he have a case of the jazz hands?

Look out for men who talk a lot with their hands and over-emphasize everything with hand/arm motions. Drama drama drama, gay gay gay.


4. Is he too loose in the booty?

Don't get it twisted, ladies. Just because your man may like a lil booty tickle in the ol' sexual repetoire, doesn't automatically mean he's gay. BUT, if he's sliding open that back door a little too easily and a little too often, do think twice.


5. Does he ask for a double coat?

Manicures and pedicures are fine. Many a metrosexual straight man takes good care of his digits. But if he takes it to the next level by asking for the clear polish, your man has lept from metro to homo.


6. Does he ever engage in an eye roll?

Honey bunches of oats, listen to mother. Straight men do not eye roll. It's like a neck snap, look out for it and run the other way.


Chelsea-hon, I hope I've helped. The most important advice I can impart is to trust your gut and listen to your instinct. It won't steer you wrong. To all my other divas-in-distress, FGM is here for you. Do contact my girl, Elle at inawordfab@gmail.com with your questions pour moi.


Love and hugs!

FGM

Ask a Fab Gay Man: 5 Ways to Look Sexy

Legendary designer Valentino is known for his elegant and opulent haute couture and ready-to-wear collections, but now he's also helping us ladies find our sexy. The five steps below (via In Style's August issue) are great ways to implement a little sexy into your everyday life, while of course, remaining the lady that you are.

And divas, if you don't already have a fabulous gay man in your life to alert you to such things, "Ask a Fab Gay Man" will now be regular addition to inawordfab. Let's face it: a GBFF is pretty much a necessity these days. From beauty to dating, fashion to etiquette, Broadway to business, the right gay man can always provide just the right amount of spicy fabulousness to help you maneuver any situation. Have a dilemma only a gay man could solve? E me at inawordfab@gmail.com and I'll see that it gets into the right hands. After all, behind every great woman is a fabulous gay man...

And who better to begin with than the fierce fashion icon, Valentino. Look and learn my lovelies!

Five Ways for Every Woman to Look Sexy

1. "Even the most beautiful clothes can't do all the work," says Valentino. "So before anything else, you must believe you can be sexy. Every woman can."

2. "How would you like to walk? When you decide, practice how to move. Use your hips-and a mirror. Nobody does this naturally. Trust me, no one."

3. "People don't want to admit they pose, but how you sit is important. Never plop down. Lower yourself onto a sofa at a slight diagonal. Of course it's deliberate, but it works!"

4. "You can't be sexy without a beautiful smile (but never show your gums) or shining, healthy hair," says the designer. "Don't trust Mother Nature. She's too busy."

5. "The way you speak can bewitch. Low, slowly, and always looking the listener right in the eye. And nothing matters more than how you say hello and goodbye."