Strawberry? Is that you?

Shouts out to all my 80's babies! Strawberry Shortcake was my b*tch back in the day! I think I combed every last one of her berry-scented hairs out of her head. Her and Rainbow Brite (I always wanted a star on my cheek) used to love when I hugged on them and read to them and cooked them plastic eggs. I'm telling you me and Strawberry go back like Naomi's hairline. So then you can understand why I'm a little traumatized by her "fruit forward" makeover. Not amused. Not only did she get some serious work done (lipo, nosejob, eyelift) but she has pink weave down her back and green contacts! In the name of all things sacred, no! And where da Huckleberry hell are her bloomers?

On top of all this, Miss Shortcake 2008 has kicked her cat, Custard, to the curb and now spends all her time on her cellphone. This is a travesty. “It’s...about creating a cohesive line,” said Jeffrey Conrad, the head creative designer for American Greetings. “We’re downplaying characters that were part of Strawberry’s world but who didn’t immediately shout out fruit.” Jeffrey, I bet you immediately shout out fruit. And it was the 80's! No one cared about fruit! Eff Britney, leave Strawberry alone!

Source

Dereon is taking over the world!

See now this is exactly why Jawn Murray felt the need to write an open letter to Beyonce telling her to exit stage left. Dereon effing class rings!?!?! Please save the babies. Class rings aren't even sacred anymore. The funny part is I was just the hood fab lil high school donkey that would have been pumped as hell to get the Beyonce class ring. And you just know that just as many lil fabulous boys will be ordering this ring as lil fabulous girls. Pretty soon Dereon will be licensing bunion remover and nail glue. With glitter.

Via Jostens

Please Save the Babies

This article via CNN.com just scared the bejesus out of me:

Teens Seek Luxury Items for Back-to-School Wardrobes

So basically, we're all doomed. Now more than ever, teens and tweens covet the same luxurious handbags, sunglasses and jeans as their older fashionista counterparts. This is really not suprising, what with "Laguna," "The Hills" and "My Super Sweet Sixteen" taking teen excess to outlandish levels. But it's only going to get worse, good people!

I am so scared for my kids. I mean they are truly going to learn from the worst. By the time I
1) convince myself to have kids
2) get around to saving up for the required post-push lift and tuck, and
3) cry for a couple of months to mourn the end of my life as I know it
things are going to be out of control! I can totally picture my son's first words being, "Burberry bitch!"

This will be his 8th grade year book pic:

Seriously! Just picture him a couple shades darker and a million shades gayer.

Photo: Jupiter Images