WTFug? Top Design's Kelly Wearstler

If you're a fan of Bravo's Top Design, or like me, consider it a last resort when there's absolutely nothing else on, you've been exposed to the clusterf*ck of couture that is Kelly Wearstler. Week after week, she leaves me dazed, confused and mildly entertained with her fashion choices. I looove a fashion risk-taker, but even I have my limits. And it's not just the clothes that are the conundrum, it's mostly her hair and accessories that take her style from cool to kuh-razy. Crimps and beehives, top hats and turbans...Kelly, you are a mess of all proportions.

The Worst-ler had this to say about her Top Design style: “I never go out, but I have all these great outfits. So I was just like, 'Fuck it, I’m just going to wear them.'” I kind of love her for that. But this does not excuse the boosheet below. Look and LOL.







Okay, I'm actually not too mad at this outfit, minus the fingerless gloves and wierd side bang.

Kelly-boo, it's clear that you have some fabulous statement pieces in your closet but the key is not wearing them all at once! Back away from the crimper and please stop playing eenie meenie miney mo with your wardrobe. Thanks.

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F for effort

No...

No... and NO! Damn you all to hell.

asdf

Love, hugs and psychodelic drugs, Elle

asdfads


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Ashanti looks home sewn

Ashanti appeared on 106 and Park on Thursday sounding like the black Fran Drescher (Fresh is a mess) and looking like the black Judy Jetson in blue Balenciaga from the Spring 2007 collection. Hmmm...why do I suddenly have deja vu? Where where where have I seen this dress before?

Ah, yes! The dress made completely from plastic cups from the first episode of this season's Project Runway! Yikes. Not a good look.

I can't cosign

Just hell no. Darling MK, labels aren't everything. Just because it's Marc Jacobs, doesn't mean you should wear a fur sweatband. With a vintage Missoni gown no less. My brain is struggling for an answer. I'm thinking homegirl must be on that happy crack. It's popular with the shorties these days. Don't snort the Kool-Aid, Mary-Kate!

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Make it Stop!

Um...are those palazzo pants!?!

I give up. No more pseudo-celebrity clothing lines! They can't be trusted. More importantly, I don't think my delicate stomach can take it. Just looking at these ungodly tops is making me itch.

No, Scary Spice isn't posing at a swap meet, she has "designed" a truly scary collection entitled...wait for it...Catty Couture, which is based on her own wardrobe. LOLZ for days! Is she serious with all that cheetah? Sure, into every life a little animal print must fall, but this is ridiculous.

The last thing the world needs is more cheap and tacky clothes, and in animal print no less. There's already a Rainbow on every corner in the hood.

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Trendwatch: Party Frocks with Sneakers?

She's baaaaack

This picture bears repeating. How hideously hood fab. I thought that D. Woods' foray into the world of frilly dresses and sneakers was a momentary lapse of judgment never to be seen or heard from again. Unfortch, it seems as though the worst is yet to come.

Posh sneakers are mayjah for '08, the more colorful, metallic and/or designer, the better. Then there's also this punk/glam/rock element that's shaping up to be huge for Fall (think Rihanna these days). This, my friends, has birthed a trend that is sweeping the nation: party frocks with sneakers!!!

Lil Mama was spotted over the weekend at the Kids Choice Awards in a Betsey Johnson dress and high tops.

Teyana Taylor performed at a MAC Cosmetics Launch in the same Heatherette dress D. Woods wore, but with different kicks (thankfully much less orthopedic looking).

Of course, these youngsters aren't known to be fashion frontrunners, but I'm still confused. This is something one would expect from, say, Avril Lavigne...

Yep, that looks about right.

Also, Lily Allen is known for pairing her dresses with sneaks...

Personally, I just can't get behind it. Although I'm quite sure this is a trend that many a fun, punky high schooler will be wearing to her prom this year, it offends my sensibilities on many, many different levels. First, when you're in sneakers you automatically tend to schlep...very unsexy. If you wear anything over a size 7, your feet resemble boats. Moreover, sneakers do absolutely nothing for your legs (heels make them look slimmer and more muscular) And despite the obvious comfort, I think any opportunity to gain a few inches in height should be relished!

Hmmm...maybe these are the solution?

LAMB Wedge Sneakers $235.00

LOLZ! I kid, I kid. I wouldn't be caught dead in these clown shoes. Seriously, I just got Ronald McDonald on the horn and he wants his shoes back.



I actually do have one pair of sneakers of the non-workout variety. They're these Baby Phat black and gold paisley high tops that I love (above). I still think they look like clown shoes/boats, but when I'm feeling totally glam rock, (which is once in a very orange moon) I wear them with opaque black leggings, a long black tunic, a cropped jean jacket, my long blinged out Hello Kitty chain and lots of eyeliner. That's about as hood fab as your girl gets. And I definitely can't see me pairing them with a dress.
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So the question remains, what do you think about pairing party frocks with kicks?





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DAMNATION!

Tasia-boo, I've already been over this with you. You were featured in my very first In a word...FUG post ages ago. Remember? In a word...FUG: Animal Print Edition? Obviously my copious warnings and smoke signals have gone unheeded. You've forced my hand.

This is what comes to mind when I look into the dark abyss of your awful, awful leopard leggings:

Still confused? How about an artist's rendering...





Those leggings make you look half goat, okay? Harsh? Maybe, but it's my truth and my therapist says I should share more.

Love you but sometimes love just isn't enough,

Elle

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Be Afraid! It's Spreading!

If you're a reality show junkie like me, you've been forced to sit back and stare in horror at the state of D. Woods hair on MTB4. I appreciate her trying to be innovative and I'm all for an asymetrical style, but the whole "sideways wig, party on one side, serious on the other" thing is just dead wrong. Worst of all, it's spreading!

Da what da hell is this? Remy Ma was spotted showing up to court for her attempted murder trial yesterday with the D. Woods do! Nooooooooooooooo! I know I shouldn't be suprised. It's a well known fact that Remy can't be trusted when it comes to hairstyle choices (let us never forget the infamous blond bang). But this has got to stop. Damn you, D. Woods!

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Spring is in the air...

Uncle Peaches says...

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Happy Friday!

Open Letter to Kym Whitley

Dearest Kymmie-poo,

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I vote no.

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Love you still,

adfasd

Elle

You know you want some lip chap

As promised, Flavor of Love chick and Charm School winner, Saaphyri, has launched a line of lip balm called...Lip Chap. I am so ashamed. Available in Mojito, Cookie Dough, Pina Colada, Bubblegum and Wintergreen flavors, it's probably very soothing after having to knock a b*tches block off. Saaphyri also has that good indian hair for you. I feel like she should be selling these items out of the back of her car. I can't knock her hustle though!

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Is that a pimp cup?

Luenell in all her splendor

And are those shoes lucite? It's clear that Catherine Malandrino's tips for holiday dressing came a day too late for Luenell. I could spend a few hours dissecting all of the ways she has gone wrong here. But in the interest of my eyesight, I will merely point out that I don't think I've ever seen pink fur on someone over the age of 5. First time for everything.

Open Letter to Keyshia Cole

My darling lil olive loaf,

First, let me thank you for the hood-tastic entertainment that is your reality show. Last episode when your mom flipped that chair I had flashbacks from "Crackheads Gone Wild." Fun-ny. But there are more pressing matters at hand. You were spotted on TRL this week wearing what I can only call a cream and white fright. I need answers. Is that a skirt? Is that a shirt? Where does one end and the other begin? Were you told there was a Winter Wonderland theme? Pickle, your outfit is clouding my mind with confusion and white noise. Please ask your stylist to back away from the sewing machine and stop ripping up old sweaters. You FINALLY have the right hair color and style, but everything doesn't have to match, cupcake. In closing...and you knew this was coming...you shoulda let this go. *Rimshot!*

Luh you still, Elle

Photos via Wire Image

Jesus be a pair of industrial strength tweezers*

Little Lourdes is a lovely young girl. She's only 11 and we all know that she is smack dab in the middle of that awkward stage we all went through. But those eyebrows...they are threatening to connect and are traveling down her nose! The pure unadulterated horror. This really has me thinking about the importance of grooming. For us adults, wayward facial hair is a completely unnecessary evil. I never understood why grown women would walk around rockin full mustaches and goatees. Wax is your friend! But the question remains, is 11 too early for a wax? If you were Madonna, would you strap her down to the bed a la "Mommy Dearest" and pluck/wax that uni into submission?

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Photo via Dlisted

*I see you, Fresh!

Open Letter to Brooke Hogan

Lil Miss-guided,

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What kind of fuckery is this? I have sat idly by while you brazenly wore ass-less, denim chaps, not just once but a few times this summer, spreading your horribly horrible fashion sense all over tarnation, but now I am officially pissed. Is this what you call getting gussied-up for an awards show? I have three words for you: TRAGIC TRANNY MESS. This gives me an idea for a Halloween costume this year. Thundercats, ho! You could be Cheetara and I would be Panthro so that I could nun-chuck your taste-less ass! Aren't you 19 years old? Between the hair and the makeup you could pass for 45...and three quarters. Hello?! Brooke?! Are you even listening?!?!?! Oh, never mind.

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Damn you,

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Elle

InawordFUG: The Animal Print Edition

In honor of Posh Beckham's horrendously horrible zebra print mess that garnered her my Worst Dressed award last post, I bring to you good people InawordFUG: The Animal Print Edition.

As a rule, wearing animal print can be quite risky (see below). It requires a delicate balance of taste and styling in order to avoid looking like you are auditioning for Thundercats on Ice. Fashion beginners should incorporate a frisky print as an accessory, like a belt, scarf or shoe. Daring fashionistas are encouraged to try a free-flowing animal print dress, while keeping your accessories solid. Now, it is important to note that this is one trend that works best in a more expensive piece. Nothing says tacky like cheap and shiny snakeskin (see below). Finally, and this should have been Rule #1: Never, ever ever ever ever, mix your animal prints, okay?

And now onto our show! I beg of you...do not try these at home.




Dearest Tasia,

Tight, shiny green leopard print is not your friend. Especially on a dress with slits that are trying to meet in the middle. Especially on the opening night of your Broadway debut! In the words of Kelly Clarkson: Never again.

Love you,


Elle

Mariah is the official queen of the short and tacky. Every season, I anxiously await her development into the graceful, stylish, woman of a certain age I know she can be. But it is just not happening!

Much like Tasia's dress above, this dress suffers from too much: too much decolletage, too much thigh, too much print and much too tight. Wearing your sunglasses won't help you Mimi! The fug has found you!











Where do I start? Butterflies, snakeskin boots and a mohawk, oh my! This is an absolute fright. Are those the Pedicure Uggs I've been hearing about? Burn them at once! In the immortal words of Fresh, why must I cry?


















No worries, readers, all hope is not lost. Katie Cruise has gotten it right! Eye-catching dress, free-flowing fabric, solid accessories, this look is InawordFABULOUS!














Whatever you wear, wear it well!


Be deliciously fab, Elle